Driving Me Crazy Again!
by RevSue
Summary: PD MOVIES STORY: My response to the driving challenge Clarisse wants to get her driver's licence renewed.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters since Princess Diaries 1 & 2, and its characters are the property of Disney, Buena Vista, and Meg Cabot. I make no money from this work of fiction.

Summary: My response to the driving challenge ...

Driving Me Crazy Again

"Charlotte, I'm going driving today," Queen Clarisse announced one chilly autumn morning after her grand-daughter and former daughter-in-law had returned to America following their first visit to Genovia.

"Driving? Should I call for Joseph? Or do you need ...?"

"No, not Joseph, I think. Actually I was hoping that YOU might assist me."

Charlotte looked puzzled. "Of course, your Majesty, if there's anything ..."

"I want to drive ... with you, to start."

"Yes, so you said. Where did you wish to go?"

"Where doesn't matter. Anywhere. Just around the palace, if necessary." Then the queen smiled at the perplexed look on her assistant's face. She elaborated further. "Remember a few months ago in San Francisco when the police were going to arrest Mia for being underage and driving with me when my licence expired forty-five years ago?"

"Yes," Charlotte spoke cautiously, her eyes revealing the trepidation she was feeling as she began to process the strange request.

"Well, I'm going to get my driver's licence again."

"I don't see a need for you to actually DRIVE, your Majesty. You'd be issued a new licence, I'm sure, if we just contacted the ..." Charlotte began.

Clarisse shook her head. "No. I want to do it properly, the way everyone ELSE has to. I just need a little brushing up. I WAS a good driver, you know." Then she eyed Charlotte's worried expression. "Don't you trust me?"

"Oh, of COURSE I do!" Charlotte said quickly, masking her unease under a smile of false bravado. "It's just ..."

"Just?"

"Well ... your sons both ..." Charlotte faltered.

Clarisse swallowed hard, pushing back the pain that still occasionally overwhelmed her. "Yes, I realize they were both killed in vehicular accidents, and that the cause reportedly was that they were not used to driving a vehicle. Don't you see, Charlotte? I don't want to be in the same situation. If, for some reason, I must drive, I want to be able to do it."

"I can't imagine that you ever would need to drive, your Majesty."

Sighing, Clarisse put the horrific memories of her sons' deaths out of her mind, and concentrated on persuading Charlotte. She instinctively knew that it would be much easier to convince Charlotte than Joseph. After several moments of earnest talking, she finally said, "Well, Charlotte, I AM the queen, and now I am ORDERING you to go with me."

"Very well," Charlotte reluctantly agreed, still leery of the prospect. "But I'm not going to be the one to tell Joseph, your Majesty."

"I'm glad to hear it. Joseph is not my keeper. He has no need to know this sort of thing."

"No, but he IS the head of your security team, and I'm not too sure he would approve of you driving." It was obvious to Clarisse that Charlotte herself did not approve, either.

"You're not still questioning my orders, are you, Charlotte?" Clarisse frowned at the younger woman.

"No! Oh no, your Majesty. I'm sorry. I just ..." Charlotte gave up the fight. "I'll just get my jacket."

The two walked out the door of the palace, Clarisse waving away the doorman and saying they didn't need the car brought up as they were just going for a short walk. She grinned conspiratorially at Charlotte and whispered, "It's none of his business WHERE we walk, is it?"

Charlotte directed her to the garage where the limousines were parked. The drivers and mechanics hastily shoved their coffee cups away and came to their feet when the two women walked in.

"I find myself in need of a vehicle," Clarisse announced regally. "Charlotte and I are going for a little drive."

"Your Majesty, if I may offer my services as your driver ..." one of the men started to say.

Clarisse shook her head, smiling. "Thank you, but I am sure we can manage. You may all go about your business. Charlotte and I are perfectly capable of backing the vehicle out of here." She stood waiting with the smile still on her face as the men looked at each other, then at the queen and her assistant, then, realizing she was waiting for them to vacate the premises and give the two women their privacy, they all filed out silently. "Now, Charlotte, shall we?"

Charlotte gulped audibly. "Do you want me to back the limousine out so you just have to start going forward? I mean, there are other limousines in here ..."

Fixing her with a stern eye and raised eyebrows, Clarisse quelled Charlotte's misgivings along with her own and made her way to the driver's door. Getting in, she settled in the seat, her hands on the wheel, and her smile grew as she looked over at Charlotte. "This should be fun, don't you think?" Seeing Charlotte's face pale, Clarisse sobered immediately. "Don't answer that," she ordered briskly. "Now, then ..." she began, looking around at the control panel and then peering at the pedals. "Charlotte, I do believe this car isn't all here. I realize that it has been forty-five years since I last sat behind the wheel of a car, but I DO know that there are supposed to be three pedals. Where is the other one? You know the one I mean, don't you?"

"The other pedal? Your Majesty, this car has only two pedals. One is the gas and the other is the brake."

"No, there's another, but I can't remember what it is called. It had something to do with the stick thingy here ..." Clarisse fumbled at her side, then said, "which isn't here either! Charlotte, I can't possibly drive this car! It doesn't have all the pieces! How does anyone drive such a thing?"

Suddenly Charlotte dimpled as she smiled. "It'll be all right, your Majesty. It's easier now than when you first learned to drive. The vehicle does the shifting through the gears automatically. That's why it's called an automatic, as opposed to a standard, which is all they had back ..."

"Please, Charlotte, stop casting my age up to me." Clarisse broke in. She started the car, a pleased and almost smug expression crossing her face as the engine roared into life, then she struggled to move the gearshift.

"I believe you need your foot on the brake to change gears, your Majesty," Charlotte ventured.

"Thank you. And, Charlotte, you are supposed to be instructing me, not letting me find things out on their own."

"Very well, then, your Majesty. You also need to put on your seatbelt."

"Seatbelt? That's just a bally nuisance!" Clarisse tossed her head. "I don't wear one when I sit in the back. Be reasonable, Charlotte!"

"It's for your safety, and it IS the law, your Majesty." and Charlotte put hers on.

"I am the law, in this case, Charlotte. Besides, I'm not going out on the road. I'll just stay around the palace." She put the car into gear, very properly checked her mirrors then over her shoulder, took her foot off the brake and lightly touched the gas pedal.

"REVERSE, your Majesty!" Charlotte cried in alarm as the car ahead became suddenly nearer.

Clarisse slammed her foot back on the brake, throwing them both forward. Charlotte was saved from banging her head on the dashboard by her seatbelt, but Clarisse was thrown into the steering wheel, her chest making violent contact with the horn which started blaring. The queen pushed herself back with a grimace of pain and the noise mercifully ceased. Unfortunately, she also took her foot off the brake, and the car again rolled gently forward, bumping into the limousine ahead. Clarisse muttered an oath under her breath and jammed on the brake, again sending herself into the steering wheel.

"OUCH!" she hissed, massaging her upper chest with one hand, before looking over at Charlotte who was heroically keeping a straight face.

"Anti-lock brakes, your Majesty," Charlotte managed to say. "They're rather ... touchy."

"Touchy brakes," Clarisse repeated. "Who knew?" She took a deep breath. "Now, before those silly men come running out to see what is wrong, what DID I do wrong?"

"I'm not sure. I guess you put it in Drive instead of in Reverse." Charlotte said.

"If they had left the stick thingy where it was before instead of putting it up on the steering wheel and confusing me, I'd have been better off."

"Perhaps we should start you off in a smaller car, your Majesty."

"That's an idea. I'd like a Mustang like Mia's."

"Your Majesty ..."

"Oh, tush, Charlotte! I was joking!"

"Oh."

Suddenly the two women became aware of a disapproving figure standing by Clarisse's window. She looked for the handle to roll the window down, but before she could register the multitude of buttons on the door beside her, Joseph had opened the door. "May I ask what you two are doing, your Majesty, besides attempting to demolish the limousines in your fleet?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Joseph! Charlotte and I are merely going for a drive."

He surveyed the two women, then the limousines with the bumpers touching. "I see."

Clarisse could tell by his quiet words that he DID see, more than she had really wanted him to see. "I think I shall buy myself a new car," she announced airily. "just to run around town with. I would like a ... what did you call them, Charlotte? Oh yes, I would like a standard car because I am more used to them, and from what I have heard, they have considerably more power than automatic cars." Charlotte and Joseph exchanged glances, and Clarisse sighed. "You don't think I need more power."

"I don't think you need a car, period." Joseph said. "You will never be going anywhere without me, your Majesty, and I refuse to get into one of those little puddle-jumpers. We'll stick to the limousines, preferably with a REAL driver at the wheel ..."

"I intend to learn how to be a REAL driver, with or without your help, Joseph!"

At that moment, Charlotte murmured, "If you'll excuse me, your Majesty ... I suddenly remembered ... I'll be right back ..." Without waiting for Clarisse's reaction, she scrambled out of the car and disappeared.

Clarisse hit the steering wheel almost petulantly, and jumped when the horn blasted again.

"It appears that Charlotte has baled out of this little escapade, your Majesty," Joseph said.

Clarisse tightened her lips, but refused to answer.

"I think you're mad," Joseph continued flatly.

"Mad? Angry?" Clarisse was stung into speaking. "You are quite right! I AM annoyed!"

"Insane mad. It was Voltaire, I believe, who said that madness was to have erroneous perceptions and to reason correctly from them. You mistakenly believe that you need to know how to drive, therefore you know you need to be taught ... RE-taught," he caught her slight movement of protest, but carried on before she could interrupt him, "and you are deducing finally that it must be your Head of Security who is to be your teacher in this matter because there is no other way you are going to learn. Is that understood?"

"Very well," Clarisse sighed, almost giving in to her impulse to slump back in her seat.

Joseph shut her door, walked around the car and got in beside her. "Now then," he directed her. "Have you found all the controls you might need while driving?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Suppose it began to rain. Do you know where the windshield wipers are?"

"Oh. Umm ..." Clarisse hunted for a while, then looked at him. "Nothing says anything. There are just a number of meaningless pictures."

Joseph grinned in spite of himself. "You're right. That's what I always thought they were." Then he cleared his throat and began to formally instruct her as to where she would find the windshield wipers, washers, and lights. He explained the gears, and how she just needed to put it in either R or D, and didn't need to worry about the numbers 2 or 3 showing on the dashboard.

In fact, his incredible patience with her gave Clarisse pause in her fierce desire to go against his and Charlotte's wishes in the matter of driving, although she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing her change of heart. Instead, when he finally told her she could put the limousine in reverse and back up, she did as she was told without argument. As she maneuvered the vehicle around the palace grounds, all the time gaining confidence in her ability to handle the machine, her irrepressible spirit emerged once more.

Stopping the limousine in a deserted area of the gardens, Clarisse carefully put it in park and turned to Joseph, her eyes sparkling. "Oh, Joseph, thank you for showing me ..." she began.

He was suddenly sitting very close beside her, his arm along the back of the seat behind her heavy on her shoulders as his eyes met hers. The words she was going to say died in her throat, and she stilled, her lips still parted, eyes on his. Then his hands on her shoulders gently urged her towards him, and his mouth covered hers. Clarisse lost all sense of reality.

Dazedly, Clarisse finally realized the clear notes she was hearing as if from far away were actually from Joseph's cell phone in his pocket. As Joseph muttered imprecations and reached for his phone, Clarisse came back to reality, somewhat shocked at her recent actions. She had NEVER before 'necked' in a parked car! Glancing in the mirror, she closed her eyes for a moment at the sight of her reddened, slightly swollen lips. Then she realized Joseph was finished speaking and was now watching her intently.

"Clarisse, I ..."

"Joseph, please ..." her voice was low and husky. "I ... I can't. I can't do this. I'm sorry if I led you on, but ..." her voice broke.

"I understand, my dear," he said after a moment.

Her head came up and she looked at him fully. "How CAN you? I cannot understand ..."

His smile was faint and obviously forced. "But I do understand. As the queen of Genovia, you have certain responsibilities. One of those is meeting with diplomats, which is why Charlotte just phoned looking for you. Until you have passed on many of these responsibilities to Princess Mia, you cannot take time for yourself and your own needs. At least, that is what I BELIEVE you think."

"I can't ask you to wait ..."

"You also can't stop me from waiting," he said simply.

"Oh, Joseph ..." her hand touched his cheek lightly. Then she added softly, "You know, Joseph, you brought me more joy than I ever knew existed. You saw me as Clarisse, you showed me how it could have, how it SHOULD have been with Rupert and I ... I would give anything to ... well, to share everything with you. What we have together is special ..."

"And some day the world will know about it, but that day is not yet. Right now, Charlotte is awaiting your arrival along with the delegation from Portugal. If we dally here much longer, I have no doubt but that a search party will be sent out to rescue you from my nefarious designs!"

Clarisse chuckled, feeling her tension beginning to ease slightly. "Joseph, I WISH it wasn't necessary, but I do think we need to keep our ... friendship ... in the shadows, so to speak. Just for the time being."

His hand was now on her cheek, his thumb smoothing over her skin tenderly. "Clarisse, I love you. I have for a long, long time."

Clarisse's cheeks flushed, something she couldn't remember happening for years. Her eyes dropped and her hands tightened convulsively on the steering wheel. "Joseph, I ..."

"It's all right. I don't expect you to say anything. I know you can't. I just wanted you to know. I also want you to know that in spite of my fussing and Charlotte's hedging, I am very proud of you for wanting to be able to drive again, and for being such a success at it, as indeed you are at everything you turn your hand to. I see no reason why you should not have your licence renewed."

Her face lit up. "Oh, thank you, Joseph!" She leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, her hand lingering on his jaw for a moment, then she settled back in behind the wheel and, tongue firmly between her teeth as she concentrated, she put the car into reverse, backed up smoothly, then drove around to the front of the palace.

When Charlotte tried to again say that Clarisse's licence would be automatically renewed if she requested it, Clarisse stood beside her aide while Charlotte made the call to make an appointment for her driver's test. Charlotte had to argue with the man on the other end of the phone as well, who could not understand why the queen wanted a valid driver's licence in the first place, and secondly was loathe to make her do all parts of the test again, as Clarisse had insisted. Finally he agreed to send someone to the palace immediately.

Although Clarisse was a little nervous about having to write her test on such short notice, she accepted the papers from the young man when he arrived, and questioned him to be sure it was the same written test everyone else received. He stammered that it was exactly the same, and Clarisse waved him away to the other side of the room with Charlotte while she sat at her desk and wrote her answers, under his watchful eye. When she was finished, the young man scanned her answers nervously, then smiled at her, relieved. "One hundred percent, your Majesty!"

Then he proceeded to check her eyes, confirming that she could see distance fine, and only needed her glasses for reading. "So your licence will not be a restricted one."

Joseph walked in when the young man was testing Clarisse's reflexes, and overheard him saying, "Your Majesty, you are in EXCELLENT shape for your age!" Catching Joseph's hard look, the young man blushed deeply and stammered, "I mean, excellent health ... for ... ah ... well, just excellent health! Here's your licence, your Majesty ..."

"But I haven't shown you that I can drive yet!" Clarisse protested.

"I'm sure that won't be necessary ..." the man looked wretched.

"Everyone ELSE has to, don't they?"

"Well, yes, but ..."

"Come. I believe I left the vehicle out front." Clarisse made her way out of her office, the young man trailing after her, still protesting the need.

"Show him you know how to park," Joseph murmured to Clarisse as she passed him. Charlotte almost choked on her chuckle, and hastily wiped her face free of expression when Clarisse glanced at her.

"Joseph, behave!" Clarisse almost hissed at him, suppressing her own chuckles.

The young man, clearly overwhelmed at being in the front seat of a limousine with the queen of Genovia behind the wheel, weakly indicated that she should drive around the loop in front of the palace. When she came back to the steps of the palace, he told her to stop by the steps where the limousine had been.

"I could show you how I can parallel park properly," Clarisse said, wanting him to know that she had practised that as well.

To her surprise, the young man blushed deeply. "I'm sure you DO know how to park ... and steam up ... uh, I mean ... no need, your Majesty ... here's your licence."

He pulled a page from his clipboard and passed it to her, then bolted before she could ask him why the licence had been completely made out before she even tried the test. Joseph and Charlotte were standing on the bottom steps of the palace, both grinning at her as she held the typed licence and stared after the fast disappearing car of the young man.

Joseph shrugged when she turned to him. "You don't need it anyway, your Majesty, as I tried to tell you."

"Well, I'm proud of you, your Majesty," Charlotte spoke up, giving Joseph an irritated look then smiling at Clarisse.

"Thank you. You know," Clarisse looked introspective all of a sudden. Joseph and Charlotte both tensed. Clarisse thought of a certain black leather suit she had seen in one of Mia's teen magazines and pictured Joseph on a motorcycle. She smiled mischievously at the two others. "You know," she repeated, "I do believe that I will try for my motorcycle licence next."

"Your Majesty?" Joseph spoke in a deceptively calm, quiet voice.

She looked at him inquiringly. "Yes, Joseph?"

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" he roared. "ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY?"

THE END


End file.
